


The Caterwaul

by 411_axel



Category: South Park
Genre: Ghosts, M/M, Poltergeist, Supernatural - Freeform, Vampires, Werewolf, all the supernatural stuff, but it's all true and they kick ass, but it's not that much really, the focus is style but they got a team, theyre like myth busters, tweek has all the good shit, uses hateful slurs because of cartman
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-02-10 00:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18649522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/411_axel/pseuds/411_axel
Summary: Stan and Kyle decided they want to be ghost busters, pretty much. After they discovered a haunted house and rid it of the ghost. They soon find out they can get paid for it and that there are a lot more supernatural things going on  in South Park than just some low life ghosts.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know I need to get my other stories done but i couldn't resist.
> 
> I love them

Friday; 11:25 AM

  
"Ghosts don't exist, Cartman!" Kyle yelled, pointing to the over weight kid from his spot on the lunch table. He was sitting next to Stan and Kenny was next to Cartman, butters was hanging out with another group but the four didn't really care. "You didn't see it, Kahl! Even Kenny did!" He gestured to his left with his arms and Kenny nodded. "Yeah! It was throwing things everywhere, it made such strange noises, too!" His muffled voice yelled. Stan rose a brow at the two across the table. "Maybe it was the wind? There must be an explanation for it."

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Wind can't throw a tv across the room, Stan. It was a ghost." He crossed his arms stubbornly. "Okay then, I'll go over there with a camera and show you ghosts don't exist!" Kyle planted his hands on the table as he stood up abruptly, Cartman did the same. "Fine, Jew!" "Fine!"

 

  
Friday; 7:45 PM

  
"Thanks again for helping me with this, Stan." Kyle spoke to his friend as he checked his digital camera to make sure it worked properly. "Of course dude, even if there won't be any ghosts, there could be like, a crazy hobo or something. So I got your back, dude." Stan replied from where he was filling a backpack with bottled water, snacks, batteries for the camera, a bit of rope and a couple sleeping bags for their trip.

They were planing on spending a night there, saying they were staying at a friends house so their parents didn't expect anything. They both had pocket knives in case of any danger they might run into. "Cameras working." Kyle announced as he peeked an eye through the camera and over to Stan, who waved at the camera, causing Kyle to snicker. "Oh! We should give ourselves a name, like, to make this more," he puts his hands in front of him and spreads them out. "Authentic!" Kyle, again, snickered. "Pff- like what, dude?" "Myth busters!" Kyle shook his head, aiming the camera down slightly. "That already exists, Stan." The other boy pouted a moment before brightening up and raising up a pointed finger. "Oh, I know! The Myth Crusaders!" Kyle laughed but he didn't protest the name suggestion.

 

 

Friday; 8:15 PM

Kyle held up the camera as he turned it on, Stan was in frame as the big old house in the middle of the woods was behind him. They were walking with Stan walking backwards. "We are The Myth Crusaders! We're here too- whoa-" Stan was cut off as he tripped and fell onto his back. Kyle laughed as he pointed the camera down at him. "Great job Stan." Kyle said as he offered his hand to help the other up. "Screw you, dude!" Stan laughed as he took Kyle's hand he offered and got up. They both looked towards the house, Kyle was the one to initiate their walking again. "We're here to prove Cartman and Kenny wrong." Kyle said as they marched up to the door.

Once they got to the door, Stan went up to it and gave it a knock. "Grandma? You home?" Stan joked before opening the door, a stench of wet, rotten wood and probably something dead and stale hit him, making him stumble back and cover his nose as he coughed a couple times. "Jesus Christi! This place smells!" Kyle wrinkled his nose as he stepped back a bit and covered his mouth with his hand. "Fuck dude, grandma can't cook worth shit." He joked, making Stan laugh. "I think she _is_ cooking shit." He said as he walked through the door, mouth still covered. Kyle chuckled as he followed his friend, turning on a flash light that was separately attached to the camera and looking around.

There was mold, plants, probably bugs, trash and other various house things strewn throughout the whole house. "This place is a mess." Kyle mumbled as he continued to follow Stan towards the kitchen. Stan opened a couple of drawers in the kitchen, searching around before he opened one and gasped. "Oh. My. God. Kyle!" Stan exclaimed, staring at something in the drawer. "What is it stan?" Kyle asked, a hint of concern in his voice. "I don't know if there are ghosts here or not. But I fount a really cool looking coin!" He turned around to show the coin to the camera. It was gold and looked old. Kyle rolled his eyes. "Really dude?" Stan nodded. "Yeah! Look, i think it's from the civil war, an old veteran must've lived here." Kyle took a closer look at the coin and shook his head. "That's from World War Two, dumbass. It must've come from those nazi zombies a while back."

Stan shrugged and agreed with Kyle before pocketing the coin. They continued through the house, seeing the furniture that was strewn about, a tv face down on one side of the room, claw marks in the walls. "Looks like a bear went through here." Stan commented as they reached the stairs. They heard a strange noise, like wind, at least that's what Kyle tried to pass it off as. When they reached the top of the stairs, the sound grew louder, and as luck would have it, there was an open window. Kyle was the one who closed it. "See? The dumb asses scared themselves as an animal was downstairs." Stan spoke as he looked around the hallway. There were two rooms, he guessed a bathroom and bedroom.

Kyle was about to say something when they heard a loud banging sound downstairs. The sound made the two jolt as they turned towards the stairs. ".. Maybe it was the wind? Did we even close the door?" Stan asked after a few moments, Kyle nodded. "Should we check it out?" The red head asked. Stan shrugged with a nod and carefully started for and down the stairs with Kyle behind him. They were more worried of wild animals or the homeless rather than the supernatural.

Once at the bottom of the stairs, all seemed peaceful, everything was how they left it. Then, a nearby chair was thrown at them and the two yelped as they dodged out of the way. "What the fuck was that!" Kyle yelled as he brought his camera up to search around. Stan gulped. "I don't know dude." He replied as he carefully ventured forward. A weird sort of wind filled the room, making scattered papers swirl into a small tornado, which made the two boys stop and stare a moment. "Uh.. Kyle?" Stan asked as he looked over to his Jewish friend. Kyle was staring at the small tornado with his camera pointed to it. "Dude." He started. "What the fuck is going on-" He was cut off by a loud roaring sound as the tornado 'exploded', sending the papers in all directions.

The duo let out a startled scream as they covered their heads. The Windows and the door started rattling, slamming open and shut repeatedly as a loud-sound filled the room. "Shit, dude!" Kyle exclaimed as he and Stan went back up the stairs to try and escape whatever was happening downstairs. There was a moment of silence as they reached the top of the stairs. "Dude, what the hell is going on! That- that couldn't have happened!" Stan said as he tried to catch his breath. "I- I don't know! Stan, we gotta-" The sound from downstairs started to rise to the second floor, which startled the two kids where they ran to the window they closed earlier and opened it. The window led to the roof, where they walked along before finding a way down. The jumped down and ran a ways away before turning around. Kyle pointed the camera to the house, where it looked normal.

"Dude. What the fuck is going on?" Stan asked shakily as he stared at the house. Kyle shook his head a little. "I-I don't know dude." He spoke as he looked at the house through the camera. "Dude. We should get some stuff and go back there." "Totally, dude."

 

 

  
Monday; 11:20 AM

7 sat at a lunch table, Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Cartman on one side while Craig, Clyde and butters sat on the other. "But it worked! We went back Saturday and we scared that ghost away! We got it on camera and everything!" Stan stated proudly as he gestured to the camera, which was held in Kenny's hands as the boy looked at the footage. "Woah dude, you actually did it!" He said, sounding impressed. "Oh, can I see? Can I see?" Butters asked, getting a nod form Kenny who passed it over to the other. "Psh, whatever. Me and Kenny are the ones who found that place, we should get at least some credit." Said Cartman, who then preceded to shove a sandwich in his mouth.

Craig rolled his eyes. "I heard you two ran like pussies." Cartman glared and went to speak, but Clyde beat him to it, who was looking at the camera butters was holding. "Dude, you can make money like this! Like some kind of myth busters but with ghosts!" He spoke excitedly, grabbing the camera and showing Craig, who nodded. "Kyle's not bad with the camera either." Craig pondered a moment before speaking again. "If you pay me I can edit this for you and get it up-" "Don't you already have a boyfriend, Craig?" Cartman interrupted, gaining a glare from Craig who flipped him off.

"Wait, doesn't Tweek have that journal of supernatural stuff? Dude, we can totally make money like this!" Kyle stated excitedly as he looked over to Stan, who seemed to nod in agreement. "Yeah! Hey, Craig, do you think Tweek would let us use his journal?" Craig seemed to ponder on that for a few seconds before shrugging. "You'll have to ask him. He doesn't even let me look at that. It's almost like a diary to him." Stan and Kyle nodded as Craig passed them back the camera and they continued to discuss possible profiting ideas that could arise from these supernatural happenings.


	2. The First Case

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kinda weird? It's not my best work but I'm trying. 
> 
> I promise things will get more interesting, I just wanted to get their first experience up there.

Monday; 8:42 pm.

Cartman's basement.

 

"You said I had a diary!?"

"I said it was _like_ a diary-"

"It's not a diary!"

Craig placed a hand over his face, his other hand was outstretched toward Tweek, who had his journal clutched in his hands. "Look, I'm sorry. Ok? It's not a diary. Happy?" He slid his hand from his eyes and put his arms down once Tweek gave him a nod. "Ok now that that faggy stuff is over," Cartman started, swirling around in his chair and looking at the other 7 in the room, who were him, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, butters, and of course Craig and Tweek. Craig of which was flipping Cartman off.

"We need to get people who have possessed houses. Any luck, butters?" He, as the self appointed leader, asked. Butters nodded. "Yeah! I found three people!" He exclaimed happily. He was appointed the go-getter so to speak, seeing as he was the most kind out of all of them, and he had the best reputation. "The first one is.." He pauses to look at a small notepad held in his hands. "Miss O'shey. She's been hearing strange sounds in her attic, furniture moving, and her lights flicker." Tweek flips open his journal, or it's more like a binder with how big it is, and points to a page, as he was the appointed one for all of their information. "Could be a poltergeist. But it can also be an imp of some sorts." He brings a hand to his chin, thinking, before looking over at Kyle and Stan.

"You'll need sage, salt, and I'd bring along the Book of Mormon." Kyle rose a brow. "Why?" Tweek shrugged as he closed his book. "Creatures of hell hate Mormons. Hit them with it.. If you can." Kyle just gave a slow nod. "Okay.." He said slowly as her turned to Stan. "Don't you still have that book from that Gary kid?" Stan nodded and dismissed himself to go get it from his house. "Alright, butters, how much are we getting paid?" Cartman asked, and butters glanced at his notebook. "$20." Cartman pinched the bridge of his nose. "$20? Seriously, butters? Seriously? That's it?" He asked, annoyed. Craig glared at him. "Why are you complaining? Your. For some reason." He glared at Kyle and Kenny before glaring back at Cartman. "Are our so called 'leader', yet all you seem to do is sit on your ass."

Cartman glares back at Craig, "Hey, I do plenty, Craig! I provide the house, food, the shitty camera-" "it's actually my camera and I got it from Peru, dipshit." Craig countered, making Cartman stand out of his seat. "Whatever! This is my house! I do what I-" The door to the basement opened and Laine poked her head through the door. "Poopsikens, it's getting late. You and your friends need to be getting to bed, it's a school night." She spoke, glancing at the kids in her basement. "But meeeemm! We gotta track and send ghosts back to their rightful place in heeelll." Cartman whined, pouting. "Yes, but it's a school night dear." Laine persisted, and when Cartman opened his mouth, she countered with a "Now. Eric." And Cartman grumbled, defeated.

"Haha, you listen to your mommy still, Cartman?" "Shut up _Kinney_!"

 

  
The remaining 4 of the group were let outside, butters had already headed home because he feared he'd get grounded again if he was out too long. Stan soon showed up from his house with his book in hand. "What are you guys doing out here?" He asked. "Cartman's mom made him go to bed." Kenny mocked, causing the others to snicker. "Alright, well, should we go to this women's house now?" Asked Kyle, who had the notebook butters had in hand. The others agreed, except for Craig and Tweek who decided not to go. That left Stan, Kyle and Kenny to figure out what to do with this spirit. Before Craig left, though, he passed his camera over to Stan. It was a lot better than the first one they used, more expensive it seemed too.

When they got to the house, Kyle spoke to the lady, who let them in soon after, directing them to the attic. Kenny stayed down to talk with the lady as Stan and Kyle went upstairs find this spirit. When they got to the attic, they realized they had no idea what they were doing.

"What did we do to get the first ghost, dude?" Stan asked, turning the camera on while Kyle looked around with his flash light. "I don't know! We just kinda," he nudged a box with his foot, "looked around." Stan nodded and they did just that, but it seemed to not of summoned anything. "Maybe read a few verses out of that book?" Kyle suggested, and Stan agreed, handing over the camera to Kyle so he could get the book out.

Kenny was sipping tea with mis O'shay downstairs, laughing with her. "Then, me and the 'gang' tied keiren up or a tree! Oh, the boys threatened to cut his willy off!" She laughed, making Kenny almost spit out his tea. There was a loud crashing sound soon after, and they both turned their heads upward. "Oh dear, was that your two friends?" She asked, Kenny waved her off. "Yeah, they're fine. Anyway, what else did you get up to in your little 'gang'?"

"Kyle look out!" Stan pulled Kyle out of the way as a lamp was thrown at them. "Jesus Christ!" Kyle cursed as he took the salt shaker he had in his hand and flicked it at the spirit, which manaphested as a weird glow type of thing. The salt did nothing however, and Kyle was thrown against the wall. Stan tried his burning sage and that seemed to back the spirit off a bit. Stan was reciting verses of the book he held, and that seemed to anger the spirit but that wasn't enough. "And he said unto thee- ugh fuck it." Stan raised the book and went to hit the ghost, which.. Worked? "Huh?" Stan sounded, and Kyle got up, rubbing his head.

"Ugh.. What.. Happened?" Stan rushed over to Kyle, dropping the book and burning sage in his hand. "Kyle! You alright?" He asked, and the other nodded, looking around. "Where'd the ghost go?" Stan smiled. "I got rid of I-" he was cut off by a wailing sound, making him turn around. "Shit!" He exclaimed, standing up, Kyle did too once he saw the fire. "What the hell stan!" Kyle shouted. "Don't look at me! I didn't know all that paper was there!" The fire was growing, and getting closer, causing the two to bolt back downstairs. Kyle was grateful the camera had a strap on it because he surly would have left it if it wasn't hanging around his neck.

"Kenny! Hey, we're done let's go." Kyle spoke quick, and Kenny raised a brow, but seeing the others faces, he nodded. Kenny was handed the money and then was pulled out of the house and down the street. "Whoa! What'd you guys- oh." Kenny tuned around and saw the house burning. "Shit." After getting down the street a ways, the three turned to watch the burning house.

"What did you two do?" Kenny asked, glancing over at Stan and Kyle. Kyle threw up his arms in a dramatic 'I don't know' motion, while Stan rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Well, uh.. I dropped the sage.." Kenny stared at him for a moment before he covered his face with his hand and started chuckling. "Fuck you dude, it's our first time!"

 

"Well, even though you burned that innocent ladies house down, you got the money. So it's fine I say." Said Cartman, as he took the money from Stan and held it up to the light in his basement. "You burned her house down!?" Tweek shouted, hands going up to pull at his hair. "Oh god- we're gonna go to jail man!" Craig went over to Tweek and went to untangle the blonds hands from his hair. "Settle down, Tweek. We weren't a part of it, those four would be the ones going to jail, not us."

"Oh geez.." Butters murmered as he rubbed his knuckles together. "If I go to jail I'll get grounded.." Cartman rolled his eyes as he placed the money on his desk. "We're not going to jail, that old lady went down with the house." He said nonchalantly. Tweek let out a scream. "Oh my god- YOU KILLED HER?"

 


	3. Chapter three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this! I'm doing my best for their canon personalities, but if you see how something could have gone differently? Speak up! I'd love to hear your opinions! It really makes me happy to see people read this and have something to say, and it helps me better my writing!

_One year later_  
November the 13th  
Friday; 11:30, Cartman's basement.

_The kids are like 11-13_

 

  
"Alright butters, who do we got?" Cartman asked from his desk, which had a bulletin board with different cases, both solved and unsolved were pinned up. The basement has improved with more supplies, and there was now a table with snacks and drinks for when they stayed in the basement.

Butters looked down at his note pad as he balanced his pencil on his ear. "We have a couple, Mr. And Mrs. Lavender. They have strange noises in their attic but neither of them are able to go up there and look." Cartman nodded and turned to Tweek, calling his name. Tweek opened his book and flipped around a bit before contemplating on a couple different pages. "Trouble?" Craig asked, and Tweek shrugged after a moment. "It's vague. Could be rats- but the don't usually hide in attics exclusively. Mnng.. Oh! It could be a spirit moving furniture!" He suggested, and Cartman nodded. He didn't even have to say anything for Kyle, Stan, and Kenny to gather up some sage, a bible, some salt and a few other minuscule things that they placed into a satchel.

"Butters!" Cartman called, and the boy in question responded with a startled. "Yes Eric?" "How much are we getting paid?" Butters glanced down at his notebook. "Uh, $30." Cartman groaned. "Damn cheapskates."

 

_The Lavender's house. 12:47 pm._

"Aren't you kids supposed to be in school?" Said an old man with a cane to the three kids on his porch. Kenny stepped up and shook his head. "No sir, school is out due to a bomb scare. Anyway, were the paranormal patrol?" The old man seemed to remember now, nodding and letting the kids inside. "Oh yes, would you like anything to drink?" Kyle and Stan both echoed a 'no' while Kenny asked for some water. The man pointed Kyle and Stan to the attic while he led Kenny, with his water, to the living room where he took notice of the wife in a wheelchair, no wonder they couldn't get upstairs.

"You know. It's kind of strange." Said Mrs. Lavender, looking over to Kenny. "The noises started around the same time our grandson Billy went missing." Kenny nodded, sipping his water. "Wierd. You guys have anything, like, valuable?"

  
Stan was the one with the camera this time. The camera came in use a lot, first of all their channel on YouTube was a hit, and if their clients tried anything they have video evidence. Kyle waited for Stan to join him in the attic before he flipped on his flashlight, when he did, they started to hear some scuffling. "That's weird." Stan mumbled, following the light from the flashlight with his camera. The light soon found itself on something furry, and bloody. "Dude.. Is that a dog?" Asked Kyle, who took a few steps closer, but when he did, a floor board creaked under his foot and the creature stopped its rummaging around.

When it did look up, it wasn't a canine face, it was a more humanoid one. Though the face was covered with blood and fur. "Uh, Kyle? That's not a dog." Stan said, his hands shaking a bit. Out of all their cases, they had only dealt with low level spirits and a few stray cats, nothing this.. Whatever you'd call _that_. The thing started growling, standing up to reveal a very hairy, and also very _naked_ , humanoid body. Huma _noid_ because the thing had a _tail_. "Augh, dude! Weak!" Kyle shielded his eyes once he saw just how naked the _boy_ was.

But turning his head away would turn out to be one of his biggest mistakes.

The thing made a barking sound and ran towards the ginger, elongated claws stretched out with his hands as it screamed a feral screech. It tackled Kyle down, who screamed and dropped his flashlight off to the side. "Kyle!" Stan screamed as he lost sight of his friend. All he could hear was the yelling from his friend and the animalistic sounds of whatever the _hell_ that thing is. Stan drops the camera, it swinging on his neck as he rushes for the flashlight. He aims it at the two tussling on the ground.

  
"..that vase survived all the way through the war, it has my great grandpas ashes in it!" Mrs. Lavender was saying as she held a blue and white vase in her hands. Kenny nodded, bored. "You have anything.. Interesting? From the war I mean?" The woman smiled, nodding. "Oh I'm sure you'd be interested in something more Manley. I believe it's it's the attic? But we have an old sword from the war, solid silver, you know the ones the Pirates used?" Kenny nodded, interested. The old man smiled as he sat up in his chair. "Oh, I got a story for that. Wanna hear it?" Kenny nodded again, a smile appearing back on his face.

  
Stan felt himself start to panic as he saw blood on his friend. He pointed the flashlight around the room for find something to help him save the other. The light settled on a saber on the wall. Stan hurried over and grabbed the sword off the wall, turning around to face the two on the ground. With a yell, Stan dropped his flashlight and charged for the creature on top of his friend. The sword stuck right into the things back, making it cry out in pain. Kyle took the chance to kick the creature off him and scramble away. Stan took the opportunity to rip the sword out of the wailing creatures back and drives it through the things chest, standing back as it cried and withered, trying to get the sword out weakly before finally, it let out its last breath and went silent.

Stan stumbled back from the creature, hands shaking as his adrenaline rush came down and the reality of what he just did set on him. His shaking legs soon gave out and he dropped to a kneel. What was that thing? It looks oddly human, but, _all that fur.._ Stan couldn't even kill a deer before, and he's not sure how he managed to kill whatever he just killed, but he did and even though it was attacking his friend, he still feels bad about it.

Kyle, whose clothes are torn and theirs a bit of blood on him from scratches he's received, approaches his friend and kneels next to him. "Dude?" He tries to put a hand on Stan's shoulder, but that just makes Stan let out a chocked sob before he covers his face with his hands. He tries his best not to cry, but that doesn't work very well, so Kyle draws him into a hug, patting his back and lightly rocking them back and forth to try and soothe the other.

  
Kenny was still sitting with the old couple when Stan and Kyle came down, Kyle holding Stan next to him like he was the wounded one. "Whoa, what happened?" Kenny asked, Stan just stared at the ground, refusing to answer. "It's done. We're gonna wait outside." Kyle answered instead, going right out the door, leaving Kenny to talk to the couple.

 

"Well, your crying got us an extra ten dollars Stan, so at least it was worth it to look like a pussy." Kyle fixed Cartman with a glare from where he was sitting with Stan, who had a blanket draped around his shoulders. "Shut up Fat ass!" Tweek let out a grunt as his pencil sketched on a blank page in his book. "Wait- was it more human or dog like? The ears, I mean." Stan drew in a sharp breath. "H-human? Oh god-" he was still shaken up from the whole thing. He didn't know weather he killed a human or not and it was really tearing him up.

Kyle patted his shoulder. "Hey, it's ok. You saved my life, remember? That thing was strong, dude. I'm glad you were there." Stan soon looked up to Kyle. "Really?" He asked, voice cracking, Kyle nodded. "Okay!" Announced Tweek as he finished up his drawing. "Is this what he looked like?" He turned his picture to the two, which was really close to how that thing in the attic looked. Kyle just nodded and Tweek also nodded, going to the page on the other side of his book and asking the two questions as to how the thing acted and such so he could document it.

Craig decided to leave Tweek's side, going over to where Cartman sat on his desk. "When are we getting paid?" He asked, and Cartman rolled his eyes. "Soon, soon. I gotta sort all cash." Craig narrowed his eyes. "You've been saying that for two weeks now." Cartman turned around, facing away from Craig. "What ever, Craig. You don't even do anything." He rose a brow. "I'm the one who fucking gets the equipment! Including that stupid God damn desk of yours that you insisted was 'necessary'." "It is necessary!" "No it's not-" "guys be quiet! I can't hear Stan's sniveling!" Tweek gave a glare to the two before calmly turning back to Stan and asking him how he killed that hairy thing, to which Stan started sobbing again and this naturally caused a chain reaction of immature arguing between the five of them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't really sure how to end this one

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like this! Comments and feedback is greatly appreciated!


End file.
